The focus of this site is Wendy's newest literary creation: "A Journey Through Unresolved Trauma: Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse and Emotional Neglect".
In my story, words in caps tell my Inner Child’s (Baby's) feelings.
RAINS ALL THE TIME
AM COLD ALONE HOLD ME
SO I DON’T FALL APART
This book consists of excerpts from the journals I kept as I recognized and began dealing with having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It illuminates the struggles I’ve gone through; of connection to my Inner Child, recognizing the defense mechanisms I adopted to survive incest and emotional neglect as a child, reclaiming feelings of terror, shame and abandonment depression that were too intense to feel and process when I was little. In it I come to recognize the denial and fantasy life that helped me get through, and the dissociation and anxiety I have lived with all my life.
“It starts with the memories and they create the dissociation (fear). The work is getting to the memories; they are buried under layers of sediment and crushed into incoherent slivers of glass. My psyche is working overtime.”
“Going from one world into another and back again—back and forth—I run from cold steel daggers to warm strands of al dente spaghetti, smothered in red sauce. My temporary friends don’t know where I come from and who I am. From loud shouting to quiet smiles and back again, to my world, no one outside the front door knows about. I always dreamed the latch on the front door was broken and my mother wouldn’t fix it. I was not safe in or out. I lied out there and here lost who I was—no one wanted to know my pain at home, and in other homes I could not tell my pain. Dissociation, for me, is not knowing which world is real and who I am.”
“I was incubated in terror, violence and trauma. My nervous system was constantly jangled. There are no short cuts as my somatic experiencing therapist helps my brain and my nervous system mend with the trauma therapy work I am doing.”
I hope it also reveals the gifts, strengths and resources that have helped me; my poetry and prose writing, pottery, and of course trauma therapy and somatic experiencing therapy along with books and online groups from CPTSD survivors.
“I don’t know what will come in the nighttime. Last night I was shot. Anxiety pounded my chest. Suddenly, I see my beautiful and free colors splattered on my glazed pot.”
The book is written in the form it came to me; in poems, prose and sometimes stream of thought. If you are a CPTSD survivor, I hope that it supports you and reassures you that the emotional flashbacks, insomnia, anxiety and struggles to engage in your day to day life are normal parts of the process. If you aren’t a survivor yourself, maybe it will awaken compassion and willingness to be an ally to someone in your life who does have CPTSD.
The Kindle version of this book will soon be available to purchase.